cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
You Might Also Like
Love is in the air fryer.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
nature’s most graceful animal
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread