has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
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There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]