“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.