Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
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Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.