Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
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“what’s it like having a sister?”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
new year update: losing everything but weight
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner