Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
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I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.