Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
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A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
necessity is the mother of invention
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I put the h in mysterious.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.