Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
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Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Otters see a butterfly.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Teach your children to beatbox
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?