Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
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happy valentine’s day to me
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Just why bro?!
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?