John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
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I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
They did not miss in the small print
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.