Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle