“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?