most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
(Musicians.)
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that