I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.