I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
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Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
mom had nothing to worry about
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
#parenting
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.