I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
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Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
#dalle2
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Rich People Podcasts are wild.