her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
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I’m pretty like a car crash.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I can fix him.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.