Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
You Might Also Like
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
This took me a second..
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds