five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
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“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.