the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
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[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I have so many questions.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Left at a local drug store…