The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
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I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug