So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
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It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that