“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
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They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
mentally somewhere in italy
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
termite twitter scares me
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record