I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
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My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
become ungovernable
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!