What’s this sorcery? 😂
You Might Also Like
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
This forever.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Real House Wines.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer