*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I drew y’all a little something.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️