Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
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Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter