It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
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Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.