Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
“What movie?” 🤔
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.