I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
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You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth