[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
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My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Sending in my taxes
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.