Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
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Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
love it when they get my name right
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.