Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.