Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
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Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”