HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
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My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
this FaceApp is creepy af
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Well, this certainly took a turn
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform