[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender: