Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My Guy
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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