Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
You Might Also Like
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Never forget.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs