Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”