I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful