I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
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If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
😬
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome