“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
You Might Also Like
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
found my next D&D character name
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.