Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
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Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?