i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
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COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!