I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
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ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
How does one answer this?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
checking out some reviews of my local library
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.