“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
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The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot