how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.