I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
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I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Name this drama.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.