Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
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Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.