“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
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My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village